


Striving for Helpful

by dumbsharky



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: As slow burn as 3 chapters can be, Blow Jobs, Canon Era, Confused John, First Time, Friends to Lovers, Hand Jobs, Historical Inaccuracy, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Mildly Dubious Consent, Period-Typical Homophobia, Sharing a Bed, Slow Burn, please let me know if i have to add tags thanks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-07
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:00:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26336068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dumbsharky/pseuds/dumbsharky
Summary: A simple accident causes the two Lieutenant Colonels to share a horse. The short ride awakens a tenseness between them just before they are forced into hibernation for the winter.
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens
Comments: 24
Kudos: 147





	1. March to Middlebrook

The first sight of snowfall marks a drastic shift in focus for the Colonial Army. Usually preoccupied in out thinking the British, George Washington has to put all of his efforts into rationing supplies, maintaining morale, and doing everything he can to prevent mass desertions. The young Lafayette had proven his worth last winter at Valley Forge, the harshest winter the army has experienced yet. He did not allow himself to be treated better than his fellow soldiers and in turn Lafayette earned their respect. This year however he is on his way home to France, leaving Washington unsure of how the army will hold up without his cheerful atmosphere. More importantly, the Frenchman had played a crucial role in keeping Alexander Hamilton out of his hair.

The General can only now pray that John Laurens will be enough to keep Hamilton occupied this winter.

•••

December, 1778  
Middlebrook, New Jersey

A single musket shot pierced the air and echoed across the white plains. Lieutenant Colonel Laurens brought his solid brown steed to a halt and turned his horse towards the alarming noise. He gazed across the frozen landscape, eyes flickering to each silhouette in the distance, but nothing appeared out of sorts. Snow fell softly, occasionally obstructing his view and picking up in the wind to nip at his face.

The shot came from the front of their men, and to Lauren’s experienced ear he guessed the sound had come from the northeast of his battalion, suspiciously where Hamilton was supposed to be leading. A tree line of evergreens cut off his view and Laurens quickly suspected the location of the shot was just beyond the forest. He strained his ears in case another shot would soon follow. The feeling of uneasiness of the other men around him sent him on edge. They had all frozen in their paths, heads turned to Laurens awaiting his reaction.

So Laurens listened. The cold wind whistling in his ears. If there were no following shots, it was most likely a misfire caused by some inexperienced soldier forgetting to unload his bullets. The colonial army was overflowing with new recruitments and while it was ultimately crucial to get more numbers, they had their fair share of inconveniences.

After a minute in suspense, Laurens clicked his tongue signaling the horse to move forward. As he did so he motioned with his right hand for his men to continue to advance, then brought that same hand up to hold his hat in place. He gradually increased his steed’s speed from a trot to a run, and bolted across the snowy terrain. Soon reaching the treeline he slowed his pace, allowing his horse to navigate better as he entered the forest and followed the occasional friendly brown and blue coats.

A soldier with his firearm slung up on his shoulder caught his eye. “Do you know where the gunfire came from?” He required him.

“Sir,” The soldier saluted his higher rank. “A misfire from one of our own into the air.”

“That is an answer I’m delighted to hear.” Laurens would nod genuinely at the man then continue on his way, leaning forward to coax his horse further into the woods. He was incredibly thankful the misfire happened at a time where they were regrouping with Washington and not when they were trying to sneak behind enemy lines.

He would make several more trips back and forth before spying Hamilton’s coat tails flapping in the wind. Surprisingly the other Lieutenant Colonel’s own horse was nowhere in sight and from behind him, Laurens was even more amazed to see he was being held up by two men, completely relying on them to move forward as his left foot never touched the ground. When he was within a short distance, the three soldiers must have heard the horse’s hooves trot in the snow because they stopped and turned to him.

“Hamilton?” His voice full of disbelief. Laurens locked eyes with the man as his steed came to a halt. John had to fight back a grin forming on his lips as his friend did not look as pleased to see him. Recalling a conversation with him just this morning, it was shocking to see how defeated he looked. As if they were at the end of a long battle, his uniform had snow and dirt caked into it. He somehow managed to have lost his hat in the last few hours, exposing his long hair tangled in knots. His cheekbones flushed deep red, either from embarrassment or the weather.

“Our own men scared off my horse.” Hamilton would report to Laurens, in such a tone that dared him to so much as smile at his situation. His eyes were glazed over with frustration, and his lips stuck in a scowl which Laurens knew all too well wasn’t going to disappear soon.

“Did they manage to shoot your foot as well?” John composed himself, knowing there would be a time to laugh at this situation in the future but Hamilton would not allow it at this minute. He dismounted his own horse gracefully.

“I’m embarrassed to admit I sprained it in the fall.”

Laurens nodded, having connected those dots as soon as he laid eyes on his limp. He moved closer to Hamilton and lifted the man’s arms off of the nameless soldiers.

“You’re dismissed gentlemen, and I deeply commend you both.” Laurens patted one of the soldiers on the back and locked eyes with the other, unable to imagine what atrocities they had heard from their frustrated Colonel. With a few short nods the men practically handed Hamilton over to Laurens who now relied on John’s shoulder to stand.

“What are you doing?”

“I can’t let my dear friend limp his way back to His Excellency.” He replied and led him closer to his horse.

“I can perfectly manage on my own.”

“Get on.” Laurens ordered.

“I can not.”

“I insist.”

“I mean, I can’t put any weight on my foot.”

“But you can manage on your own?” Laurens teased and with no warning he squatted down and lifted Hamilton upwards by his thighs. He had to use more of his strength than he anticipated but he still managed to raise the man’s feet up to his waist.

“John!” The man in surprise was forced to grab onto the horse and swing his leg over as John lifted him higher. As soon as he was sure he was secure on top of the horse, he stepped back to view his work. Pleased with himself Laurens grinned and tipped his hat to Alexander who glared back at him. A puff of his breath would escape from his lips and turn white in the frosty air.

Laurens would then take the opportunity to examine the injury in question. He carefully held Alexander’s lame foot and lifted the bottom of the man’s trousers to view his white stockings. Slowly he ran his hand along the man’s lower leg, stopping when he flinched.

“Already swelling, you’ll be lucky to have no bruise.” He remarked before gently replacing the clothing he had disturbed. “I swear you’re trying to wear yourself out.”

Crossing his arms, Hamilton did not answer which was likely better for both of them. He could only imagine his bitter response, no doubt implementing an eye roll.

A shiver from him would cause John to glance over him once more, alarmed to discover his hands were bare and white as ice.

“Where are your gloves?”

“You should know by now, I don’t wear such.”

The statement baffled him, as he had previously assumed Alexander hailed from warmer winters. John took one of Alex’s hands and cupped it between both of his. He felt the coldness of the skin even through his own leather gloves.

“Your hands are freezing.”

“I really don’t notice.”

Releasing his hand, John fumbled with the end of his own gloves and pulled the layer off. He held the glove up to Alexander’s bare fingers.

“What are you doing?” Hamilton jerked his hands away from John after he felt the glove being slipped onto his hand.

“You need not lose a finger, Alexander.” John held onto his hand but now Hamilton held his hands up to his chest, far out of John’s reach.

“What of your own fingers?”

“My pampered fingers can take a few hours in the cold for a change.” He already removed both of his gloves and held them up for Alexander to take.

“No, John, I can’t accept those.”

“Nonsense, take them.” John pestered and moved the pair of gloves closer to him. The pride in Hamilton was often tough to break as John had noted. Even in a moment shared privately between the two, he acted as if he owed something to the people around him.

“John, you should really understand me…”

“What is it?”

“I can’t afford to pay you back.”

“Alex,” John paused, wanting to convey he meant what he said. “You have already paid me back in our friendship. I’ll buy new gloves when we arrive.”

Alexander sighed and rested his hands back to his side.

“It is really no trouble. I want your hands warm.” John cautiously took his hand and tried to put the leather gloves on again, this time Hamilton allowed himself to remain stiff. He felt like he was dressing an ice sculpture as John slipped the first glove on then reached for the other. When he was done he cupped together both of Hamilton’s hands in his own then blew his hot breath onto them.

“No need for thanks.” John smiled at Alexander’s frown and let go of their hands. He often had to remind himself not to take Alex’s sour moods to heart.

Setting his mind back to their assignment, John would take his horse’s reins in one hand and with the other give the handsome steed a reassuring pat on his neck. Leading his own horse with Alexander on top, he ventured forward with his head down and watched his boots crunch against the fresh sheet of snow. For a cloudy evening with the sun beginning to set, the Jersey air was starting to turn colder and colder with each passing second.

“I rarely see you this worked up about something other than politics.” John remarked out loud after a moment of silence.

“It’s... a ridiculous injury.”

“It happens to the best of us.” Lauren’s chest would pang out at Alexander’s shameful tone. He hoped the intelligent mind of Hamilton wasn’t going to beat himself up over an insignificant sprained ankle.

“Says the fearless man who has taken bullets for other men.” Hamilton muttered.

“I—“ John bit his lip, composing his thoughts. About to say ‘I would take a sprained ankle over being shot any day,’ but he thought better of it and closed his mouth. He was confused to realize Hamilton had quickly managed to make him feel guilty about getting injured, something all of his doctors and commanders had been trying to do for so long.

“Did I ever tell you the circumstances that lead to me being winged in my arm?” John asked him, knowing the answer to his own question.

“No, I don’t believe so.”

“We were surrounded by redcoats, pinned down and couldn’t move from our trench for hours, the only option we had was to stay down.”

John stepped over a log as he walked and guided the horse around it, briefly pausing his story.

“...There was a stone British fort only thirty or so meters in front of us. General Du Plessis and I gathered straw from a nearby barn and prepared to set it next to the structure so we could ignite it. I thought I could set it on fire and create an opportunity for us to attack in the chaos. We were told not to go through with the plan.”

“And you went against orders?” Hamilton interrupted with a chuckle. He had seen John disobey direct orders before and would not be surprised at the next time.

“I did. We rushed the building and threw a torch into it. Du Plessis was almost shot and we were forced to retreat.”

“And they shot your arm?”

“Yes, when I heard the shots I started running back and it wasn’t until I was in our trench that I realized I was bleeding...” Laurens looked back to him. “You want to know what was the worst part of it?”

“What?”

“I did not come close to setting it ablaze.” Laurens promptly said and turned his back to Hamilton, not wanting to see his reaction. “So there are worse ways to receive injuries.”

“I apologize to undermine your misfortunes John, but you sound like more of a hero than my story of my sprained ankle injury.”

John tilted his head, realizing Alexander did have a point. Laurens brought his hands up to his face to warm them with his breath.

“To make matters worse,” Hamilton continued. “My injury couldn’t come at a worse time. I am supposed to report to Major Steuben by early dawn tomorrow to aid him with his men.”

“His Excellency will order you to rest the moment he sees you.”

“Yes, and he’ll probably send you in my place.” Laurens would look up to Alexander, his arms crossed on the horse.

“I’ll give the Baron a hard time. Make him wish they sent you instead of me.” Laurens joked to him, meaning it more than he should have.

“No, don’t do that John. You must send the Baron my warmest regards… and please don’t mistake the anger in myself for jealousy of you. I am happy for you. I just can’t believe this small mistake is going to hold me back.”

“Nothing can hold you back, Hamilton.”

“Nor you, Laurens.” The two walked in silence for another moment.

“You better save up your strength if you’re going to be traveling all night.” Alexander said from on top of the horse.

“Don’t worry about me. You should be saving up your strength to get you back in action faster.” While he was flattered Hamilton would think of John’s feet, he wasn’t about to let his friend be carried on the back of a cart filled with other injured men.

“Nonsense, there’s no reason we can’t both save our strength.”

“Do you mean... mount my horse with you on top?” John asked in bewilderment, checking to see if that was really what Hamilton was suggesting or perhaps he had thought of something John had not yet.

“Yes, is that so taboo?”

Of course it was. Everything John had ever been taught had told him to keep himself from ever showing affections to other men. If anyone was to see them like that, it would certainly spark controversy. Yet this war and this new country had been very forgiven, many men that fought alongside Laurens shared ideals that would have been heavily looked down upon in England. Straining his memory he tried to recall if he had ever seen two men sharing a horse together. Surely he had in the chaotic war, and if Hamilton was severely injured in need of aid, it wouldn’t be a question in his mind to race him straight to medical attention. However, this was different; Hamilton was well and John was certainly well enough to walk on his own.

“Riding together as newlyweds do?” Making fun of Hamilton’s suggestion with a scoff. He knew when his men saw what they were doing they wouldn’t hear the end of it.

“As two tired soldiers in need of rest do.” Hamilton was unphased. Even after he had been teased, he was so sure sharing a horse would be appropriate that John found himself perplexed.

Hamilton grabbed the reins from John and brought the steed to a stop. With a nod and smile, he urged him to climb up. John rested his hands on his hips and looked at him in disbelief.

“Alexander,” Whenever John used his first name in full, he couldn’t help but feel like he was scolding him. “We will reach Washington before nightfall. It isn’t that much more of a walk.”

“My dear Laurens, I insist.”

“And I politely decline.” John reached for his horse reins back but suddenly his horse lurched forward.

Hamilton, squeezing his legs, led the horse into a short gallop then stopped and turned back to Laurens with a devious grin.

“You may take my horse and leave me then.” John called after him and waved him away.

“I will not.” Hamilton positioned the horse to block John’s path, his smile growing with each second. “I cannot allow myself to take both your gloves and your horse.”

John knew all too well when Hamilton made up his mind there was nothing anyone could do to change it. Despite the disquiet in his thoughts, he had no choice but to give in.

“Fine. But when anyone asks, you will tell them you forced me.” He remarked dryly and threw his hands down to his sides.

“It’s agreed.” Hamilton nodded, reaching out his hand to John.

Laurens ignored his hand, fearing if he took it he would pull him off with no remorse. Instead he marched around his horse and silently tried to figure out how to mount it with another man on top. Looking at the limited amount of space through gritted teeth, he knew it would take very little for them to practically be holding onto each other. After some consideration, he determined he was not going to be trying to decide where to rest his hands for the next few hours, all while looking at the back of Hamilton.

In one careful motion John grabbed onto the saddle and propelled himself upward to swing his leg over the front of the horse, seating himself in front of Hamilton. Alexander almost immediately put his hand around John’s stomach, most likely to steady himself, and John scoffed out loud in response to the intimate touch. As soon as Hamilton understood his own action he quickly let go.

“I apologize.” He muttered.

“Of course.” His voice light, as he shuttered from the contact, he wasn’t expecting anything less from riding a horse together. He turned his attention to grabbing the horse’s reins and guided them along their path.

Barely another second would pass before the horse would buck forward over a decline and cause Hamilton to slide up against John, his thighs and legs cradling him. From behind him, John could feel the man begin to back off of him but another gallup from the steed would secure their fate, throwing their torsos against each other. The small divider of the edge of the saddle was the only thing keeping their hips from touching.

“I can’t help it.” Hamilton’s voice cried out flustered.

“As two tired soldiers…” John said Hamilton’s words back to him, causing the man to chuckle, and John could feel the man’s brief laugh against his back.

To his surprise Alexander would then interlock his arms around John’s stomach. Glancing at them, John blinked before returning his attention forward. If his father would have seen him now, Laurens was certain he would have a heart attack.

“God have mercy on us.” Laurens said out loud, still trying to determine his options in the situation.

“Perhaps you’ll dismount when we are near?”

“I believe we are near enough.”

To answer Laurens, Hamilton seemed to tighten his grasp on him, signaling he was not to get away. And John reflected on the warm feeling the arms seemed to radiate against his body. This was a welcoming, brotherly touch he had often shared with the man before in a cot or trench, but had it ever been this intimate? It wasn’t quite intimate John realized, but rather embarrassing to any who would gaze their sight on them. The physical action itself felt kinderly, his only fear now was what his men would think of him. He would rather steer them off a cliff than into the sight of His Excellency. But yet his other soldiers were viewing them, as they raced across the snowy plain.

“Your injuries do not require you to cling to me in this manner, Alexander.” He coldly spoke.

“No.” He replied simply. “Do you wish me to stop?”

John fought with his tongue unable to form an answer. Again, he was simply amazed Alexander seemed to be so naive to the entire situation. “Yes” was what he wanted to say or rather needed to. Yet in the moment, it felt insulting to refuse Alexander’s affections. John was surprised to realize how much he liked the other man holding onto him. He found himself wondering if he would behave this way with any soldier. Knowing of course, other soldiers wouldn’t be so eager to offer their horse. If the young Lafayette had found Alexander in his state, John would have imagined he would ride alongside him and tease him for limping. His Excellency would have thrown him onto the medical cart without remorse.

Alexander in turn, laid his head against John’s back. The shorter man was not able to rest anywhere close to John’s shoulder and so he laid with his ear against John’s spine. All while John contemplated the bold warmness that arose in his chest and slowly spread to his face.

“Your ears are red, John.” Hamilton murmured in amusement.

“It is cold.” John brought one hand up to touch his ear, now fully embarrassed and just as relieved that the rest of his face was shielded from view.

“Indeed.” Hamilton hummed, in a rather cheery mood for the circumstances. A wave of merriment washed over John, proud that he somehow managed to relieve some of the frustration out of Alexander.

They rode on together in a relaxing manner. John felt as if he were back in his parent’s summer house, enjoying a long soak in the warm bathtub. It was a simpler time, when he was young and did not understand he was growing up with luxuries that many would never experience in their lifetime. From what little he knew of the man’s past, he gathered Hamilton did not share such luxuries he had. A reminder to John that he was privileged and he would not allow himself to go back to his life of luxury until the war was won. He could only imagine the greatness Hamilton could have achieved by now if he were born alongside him.

John watched the hands that now housed his gloves fold together and rest on his lower stomach.

“...It doesn’t bother you to be holding on to me in such a womanly fashion?” He found himself asking out loud.

“No.” Hamilton said simply. “I’ll hold on as long as you allow it, my dear Laurens.”

John contemplated Alexander’s softly spoken yet bold words in his ear. He spoke to him as if he were a beloved maiden. Considering his background it made sense for Alexander to feel no mortification in his close personal touches. He never experienced the shameful eyes constantly examining him, searching for any sign of scandal. Any hint of a man engaging in homosexuality would be held over his head by enemies indefinitely. As John knew Alexander would experience those eyes soon enough, it would be his duty to set him straight.

Even as his mind discouraged it, his bare hand would find his way to one of Alexander’s arms locked around him. He held tightly onto the wrist, almost as if he was holding hands. Their bond was close and personal unlike he had ever experienced before. The physical aspect of it all reminded him of his Martha in London, but in reality he knew his wife could never understand him as Alexander did. Their relationship had formed in the war, and they had shared too many horrid moments together, learned from one another. Shared many sleepless nights writing together. Shared many meals, makeshift cots, clothes, and spaces together. It sometimes surprised John when they would have a new experience in their relationship, such as now with both atop a horse. They had simply been through everything together.

Ahead of him, two soldiers pointed to the pair and John’s insecurities flooded back to him. Every action crossed sharply in his mind. Alex’s head on his back. His hand holding Alex’s arm. Their bodies pressed tightly to one another. If word of this would ever reach his father— he couldn’t bear the thought. John ripped his hand away as if it had betrayed him.

“Please, refrain yourself from holding on me.”

His voice came out much harsher than he meant. Since joining the army he had rarely spoken in a firm voice, preferring to keep his demeanor light to help lessen their stressful situations. If he had ever spoken in a dead tone, it was to give a dire order and he certainly had never spoken this way to Hamilton.

“I’m sorry.” Alexander slowly lifted his head, sounding just as shocked as John felt. He shifted back from him, his arms now at his side, and John had never regretted a sentence such as this before. His pride would never allow him to admit his mistake, but he understood at once he missed Alexander’s body against his. He missed his arms around him. His father would have praised him for shutting down the misconduct but the thought did not comfort John in the slightest.

The clouds above the army had cleared and as a result the light snowfall had ceased. Just as the sun disappeared from view, smoke from the campsite’s fires could be seen on the horizon. At the sight, John would dismount his horse, leaving Alexander alone on top. Not another word would be shared between them. Even as they entered the campsite, John silently led his stallion straight to the medical tent, and handed the reins to a nearby soldier. Looking at Alexander briefly, he almost wished the man farewell but couldn’t find himself to say any words as Alexander did not meet his eyes. Instead Laurens hurried himself to General Washington’s location. Hoping to get his mind back on the more important matters of the war, but as he gave Washington a report of their arrival, he recognized the short horse ride with Alexander would occupy his mind for far longer than it should. Along with thoughts of what he should have said instead.


	2. Claiming a Cabin

It would be a few long days before Laurens laid eyes on Hamilton again. Their predictions would be correct as Alexander was ordered to rest at the campsite, while John was sent to the Baron von Steuben’s side, organizing his troops to regroup to their new campsite located on the outskirts of Middlebrook. Located South from Morristown, the Wallace family had generously offered up much of their farmland to be used by the colonial army for the winter.

They were lucky another outbreak of snowfall had not yet occurred before he and the French Major arrived at the campsite. Tents were in the process of being replaced with makeshift cabins, looking further along than John expected it. They traveled to the Wallace House of which Washington had taken as his headquarters. A stream of busy men would be entering as exiting the headquarters, and John and the Baron would weave their way into the pack. Stepping inside Laurens was thankful to have the cold wind subsided from his face. He would follow the man to the dining room where a dining table would be full of higher ranks, some of which John knew well and some he had never seen before.

Among them Hamilton sat in the back of the meeting room, using the long wooden table as a shield from the rest of the world. Their eyes met. An acknowledgment was spoken between them with their gaze. With more feelings than John wanted to admit, he was nervous to see Alexander again. His focus should have been solely on rallying their troops but in his spare moments, especially at night, he thought of Alexander. His body would ache with guilt at remembering the last heartless words he had said to him. Alexander’s frown and the way he refused to meet his eyes on top of the horse seemed to be permanently implanted in John’s mind when he thought of him. He would never allow himself to leave anyone in such a manner again.

General Stirling shook John’s hand, and said a cheerful word of greeting, stealing his attention away. Laurens would have to engage in short pleasantries with the men surrounding him.

He was cut short in his greetings as His Excellency entered, silencing the chatter among the men. The tall figure seated himself at the head of the table, signaling their unofficial meeting had begun.

“Steuben, Laurens, I trust your journey was pleasant?”

“Yes sir.” Laurens stood up straighter.

“Oui, your Excellency.” The Baron stepped forward, smiled and took a breath before he continued.

He spoke plenty for Laurens, only having to open his mouth when a translation issue would arise. Washington would listen intently and consider The Baron’s new plan of training their men, and ultimately telling him to command as he pleased. A short word would be said about their current state of supplies and then documents were passed around for Washington to look at along with a few choice words about them. Hamilton himself produced several complete letters for the General. Word that the previously known as General Lee and his followers were set up near Philadelphia was announced and a glance around the room would have shown the unspoken hatred towards him. (John himself was awaiting a response from his invitation to duel.) Just as John thought the meeting would never end, a newer young hand of Washington started handing letters to everyone present. Most notably Washington had received a parcel from congress, when he had just written to them two weeks prior. A pain stung as John looked at the letter longingly. After a few more short words, Washington put on his reading glasses, a subtle signal that the men surrounding him had come to realize was his way of saying he wanted to be left alone. A few more words were said before the room began to break apart and said their farewells. The Baron patted John on the back and John nodded to him, standing still as he left.

He wanted to stay in the room a moment more, hoping he had been overlooked from receiving his own mail. He looked down to his hands, fumbling with his jacket.

“Have I received any word from congress?” Laurens spoke up, looking for anyone to answer him. Washington met his gaze for a brief moment, and John thought he spied a hint of sorrowfulness in his eyes.

“I’m afraid not yet.” Alexander’s voice called to him. John bowed his head to His Excellency before turning to Hamilton, the only one besides Washington still seated at the table. Something about his demeanor seemed unusual, stern and blank from any expressions. His hands were folded in his lap as he looked emotionless to John.

John’s stomach tightened, fearing ill feelings remained within him from their last departure. “...That’s alright, thought I do hope to hear from them soon.” He spoke carefully, afraid Hamilton would not return to his usual self.

“I imagine you will.” Washington did not look up from his readings. “It would be appreciated to take your conversation elsewhere, if you gentlemen don’t mind.”

“Yes sir.” They echoed.

“Oh and Laurens—“ Washington added another matter. “Please write to your father soon.”

“Yes sir.” John tried to refrain his disappointment from seeping into his tone but he was afraid it sounded apparent.

Hamilton's eyes looked sharply to John’s and without needing to say anything John moved towards him.

To his surprise just when he was close enough, Alexander’s arm slipped around John’s shoulders and he stood up.

“Good to see your face again, Laurens.” Hamilton greeted him and at once the unease in John lifted.

“Good to see you too.” He replied humbly, blown away at his kind demeanor. At that second he understood their inappropriate moment on top of the horse was to be never mentioned again. Whatever line they had crossed that evening was to be forgiven and forgotten.

Slipping his own arm around him, he led him from Washington’s dining room and out to the hallway.

“Glad to see your ankle— How is your ankle not healed?” Laurens paused when he noticed the abnormal lump barely hidden at the base of his foot. It seemed he was resting on his shoulder so he could rely on Laurens to walk. Realizing he was being used, John almost dared to move out from under him to make him fall on his face.

“It’s nearly there, don’t raise your voice at my concern.” Hamilton nervously shifted his eyes to many of the other aide-de-camps within earshot of them.

“I can’t understand you, Alexander.” He sighed and wanted to change the conversation for now. “Do you have a room assigned for us?” Laurens asked as the two men stood in the short hallway.

“We have a cabin set aside for us.” Alexander’s face seemed to lit up, despite delivering the unpleasant news. Cabins were to be shared between twelve men, had no room to write within them and candle light would never be permitted due to the fire hazard it would bring in the tightly packed room. Any soldier would much rather share a spare room within Washington’s headquarters which is where he, Lafayette, Hamilton, and five other gentlemen lived in last winter.

Laurens looked at him in bewilderment. Alexander returned to him a smile, knowing exactly what he was doing.

“Then why are you so cheerful?”

“You have to see for yourself.” Alexander gestured for Laurens to lead him out the door.

Exchanging some chatter to one another as they went, Laurens was led to the edge of the campsite where a newly constructed cabin laid. The bottom half of it was carefully constructed from clay, and presumably as resources grew scarce it transitioned to timber. It looked slightly smaller than the other makeshift cabins of soldiers but Laurens was most excited to see a large chimney was protruding from the roof. Sharing a cabin with at least ten others was never comfortable but if they had a fireplace they would be kept from freezing at night.

“What royalty commissioned this?” Laurens jested, getting a laugh from Alexander.

“It’s a little nicer than our usual conditions.” Alexander said sincerely to John, his voice full of excitement as if he could not wait for the next words to form. “And it belongs to us. No one else.”

“Us? How?” John blinked at him. His first thought of it being a waste of resources to not allow other soldiers to sleep in their cabin, but remembering their own work that had to be done, he considered this would be beneficial to the new nation.

“Yes, His Excellency has ordered his aide-de-camps to share two to a cabin, so that we might leave him at peace when his wife arrives.” Alexander winked to him and Laurens did not dare comment on the subtleness at the General’s expense. He was patted on the back before Alex dropped his hold on him. “Go explore it. You have to see your own bed.”

“My own bed?” He whispered in disbelief and stepped forward to open the door of the cabin. A musk composed of candle wax and ink overwhelmed him, a sign that told him Alexander had indeed been spending his nights here. He looked back to his friend, wanting to share the exciting moment with him but discovered Hamilton had sat himself down on the frozen ground. His hands laid on his injured ankle, but his eyes remained set on Laurens.

Looking down at him, an idea swiftly formed in John’s mind. He glanced to see if anyone was in sight as he propped the wooden door open.

“What do you wait for?” Alexander squinted at him.

John remained silent as he stepped away from the cabin and, as if he had done so many times before, gently scooped the shorter man into his arms and lifted him to his chest in a bridal style.

“Put me down!” A grin swept across his face as he turned red in embarrassment. He threw his own arms around John’s shoulders. Alexander did not come close to struggling as John carried him into the cabin.

Together they entered the cramped cabin, a large wooden desk and matching chair cluttered with papers sat to his right. A lone oil lamp placed on top of it was producing just enough light to view the whole of the room. The fireplace he had observed from the outside was across from the door and empty. A desk to his left remained in a much cleaner state aside from a few scattered papers and quills. On either side of the room were two twin sized beds, clearly meant to be children’s beds but Laurens would sleep happily knowing the fact. Each was equipped with heavy quilts and a single pillow.

“Where did you find beds?” John asked in amazement. He looked at Alexander in his arms and realized with some fondness that Alexander had kept his eyes on John’s face from the moment he had been picked up.

“A gift from His Excellency.”

“We owe him the ends of this Earth.” Laurens would remark trying to remember the last he had laid in a bed alone.

Stepping forward, Laurens placed Hamilton into the wooden chair positioned in front of the cluttered desk. He was mindful enough to not bump his ankle, but as soon as he set Alexander down he knelt down on his knees to remove his boot. A sharp intake from Alexander would slow his pace. Carefully he removed his stockings, uncovering Alexander had fashioned a sturdy branch to his heel so that he would have been able to support his weight onto it. In doing so he furthered the injury. Shaking his head John removed the piece of wood and tossed it into the fireplace. The ankle looked much more swollen than he had last seen it, and a mass of dark purple was seeming to swirl on his skin.

“Alex...” He sighed.

“You worry over nothing.”

“I worry for evidently you do not!”

“Don’t act as if you wouldn’t do the same in my position.”

Not being able to return the argument, Laurens crossed the room to take the pillow from his bed and moved to put the pillow under Hamilton’s leg. He returned the stockings, not as tight as they once were. He folded the quilt in half and laid it gently over his leg, knowing they could not afford the bitter cold to overtake it.

With Alexander already beginning to look over his writings, John wasn’t too worried about his friend getting up for the next few hours. John stood up and looked over the writings arranged on the spare desk.

“What of these?”

“I would like for you to look over those when you have the time.”

“Sometime tomorrow.” Laurens would nod. Hamilton was not pleased with his answer but nodded back to John and picked up his quill.

“I’ll be back before dark. Don’t move.” John called to him, straining his voice in an attempt that Alexander would listen to it, but he knew the chances of him listening were equal to a coin flip. The eager man was already editing the documents strewn across his desk.

“Adams…” Hamilton muttered back under his breath with disgust.

Laurens sighed before he ventured back out into the numbing wind.

•••

A local boy had caught and skinned a fair sized hare and once Laurens had laid his eyes on it he had to pay the boy handsomely for it. He could not afford to spend that amount every week but decided Hamilton deserved a fair sized meal before such meat would grow scarce. He cooked it in a communal campfire, giving most of it away to a few soldiers before he would package up the rest.

With a pile of chopped wood in his arms and a knapsack of supplies strewn across his back, John Laurens returned to their cabin. He laid the firewood into the empty chimney and then turned to examine an unmoving Alexander. He had managed to fall asleep at his desk, leaning back in his chair, quill still in hand. Laurens was surprisingly pleased to see he still had his foot propped up on his pillow.

As he sat down in his own desk chair, a neatly folded in half piece of paper on his desk caught his attention. It had been there when he arrived, along with other pages of writing. Yet this piece of paper looked untouched. Laurens slid it off of the edge of the desk and unfolded it. Shocked to see it contained only three words in Alexander’s handwriting, placed carefully as an introduction at the top of the page;

_My dear Laurens,_

His eyes would flicker to his sleeping friend, as he couldn’t help a grin spreading across his face. He flipped over the paper, almost in disbelief as he confirmed the back of it was blank. Then he turned it over to look at the unfinished letter. Amazed, three simple words could make an affectionate warmness spread in his being.

Alexander had thought of him in the few days they were separated. Thought of him and wanted to write to him. Maybe late at night, judging by the handwriting, maybe to address their awkward departure. But John was deeply confused as to the rest of the letter. When Alexander wrote, he did not stop. John had never seen an incomplete piece of work from the man, and rarely one that was confined to one page. Yet here one was, with his own name in it. And John thought of the way he had found the piece of paper, folded neatly on top of his desk. Hamilton had written only three words, stopped, then folded the paper, crossed the room and placed it onto John’s future desk?

He couldn’t picture it, but it must have been the events. For once in his life Alexander Hamilton was at a loss for words, and when writing to Laurens? Perhaps he had been far too drunk or far too lost in delirium from his lack of sleep. Nevertheless he had thought of Laurens, and addressed him dearly.

John reread the words once more before he refolded it and returned on top of his desk. He looked briefly at the other documents. They were more attuned to what he was used to reading from Alexander. The six page letter of recommendation for the Baron made John look elsewhere. While he wanted to read over the writings for his friend and would bring himself to do so soon, he feared if he started reading at this moment he would soon join Alexander’s state.

His eyes fell onto the unlit fireplace. He rose from his chair and stepped outside, to gather a handful of dry leaves from the ground. Bringing his then brought them inside. Opening the lone oil lamp that had been saved for them, John ignited the leaves and then tossed them on top of the firewood in the fireplace. The flame disappeared and John bent over to gently blow onto the dwindling fumes, bringing them back to life. He repeated the process with more leaves until a steady flame was produced, then pulled his chair closer to the fire.

The fire spoke out in dances of flickering and John brought his bare hands to the flame’s side, enjoying the warmth.

“You haven’t bought gloves yet.” Hamilton’s sleepy voice found its way through the cracking of the burning wood. Laurens looked over his shoulder to the man. His eyes fluttered softly signaling he was just beginning to stir from his needed nap.

“I’ve forgotten to.” John turned over his hands to warm the back of them.

“You can take yours back.”

“No Hamilton, those are yours.”

“They are not, I could never afford these.”

“Yes you can. You are Alexander Hamilton, You write General Washington’s letters for christ sake. Of course you can afford them.” John looked to his friend in bewilderment. He crossed his legs in his lap and began untying his boots.

“It’s not that simple.”

“Why isn’t it?”

“You know.”

“Yes.” John dropped his boot to the floor. “And it should not matter, your mind speaks louder than money ever could. You see where money has gotten me?”

“That’s not all you’re good for.” Hamilton surprised John with his sudden raise in his voice. Seeming to shake his dazed state, Hamilton sat himself up.

“You don’t have to patronize me, Alex.” John spoke quietly. “You heard His Excellency.”

“When your black plan gets approved by Congress—“

“They’ve thrown my plan into the flames by now.” John cut him off. With both of his boots off, Laurens moved to produce a quarter of a loaf of stale bread to his friend and the prized cooked hare.

John made him take it in his hands. “Where did you find rabbit?”

“Father’s expense.” John replied coldly. Alex’s disapproving look at Laurens told him he would regret that comment.

“Washington would have turned you away by now if he didn’t see the value in you Laurens. Your bravery and leadership on the battlefield is an attribute no one can match. And after this war your plans to abolish slavery will forever change the colonies for the better. Most dearly to me, Laurens without you I would be lost.”

“Just eat.” John huffed. Alex was spooling out more compliments than he could take in. They must have been what John needed to hear however because the thought of writing to his father was somewhat less unbearable now.

“Are you upset with me?”

“Of course.”

“Why?” Alexander asked as he ate.

“You’re about to lose your foot because you’re stubborn for one.”

“You exaggerate! It’s only bruised.”

“It wouldn’t be if you just let it rest.” Laurens would hold his hand up to him, signaling he did not want to talk about the subject any further. In truth he was upset at the awkwardness between him and Alexander.

Alexander only chuckled at him before he choked down another bite of bread.

The fire crackled sharply and John stood up to remove his stiff overcoat. The freezing temperatures rarely allowed him to take off layers, but he would undress comfortably as much as he could.

“You must see the irony in you saying that.”

John would sigh, and hold up his hand again. “Yes, but so help me if you lose your foot because of this I will tell everyone I know of your foolishness.”

“So be it. What will you be working on tonight?”

Laurens met the question with a short laugh. “I am sleeping tonight without any spare time to so much as dream, as are you.”

“You won’t look over the letters I set aside for you?” Hamilton’s voice was full of disappointment.

“It can wait for tomorrow morning. We have the rest of this damned winter to read and write.”

“That’s a pity.”

Gaining Lauren’s interest, he set his hands at the side of his desk and glanced over the documents. His eyes fell on the three worded work.

“I did finish this one earlier.” He held up the folded piece of paper from his desk.

Alexander’s eyes matched John’s with confusion before a sudden look of realization overcame him.

“I started to write to you.” He explained, finishing the bread and working intently on the meat.

“I see, and I believe this is some of your best work. Short and concise.” John unfolded the paper, wanting to look at the words once again. It warmed his heart to understand Alexander had thought of him in the few days he was gone, just as John had thought of him. He refolded the letter and moved to place it on the side of Alexander’s cluttered desk.

“I’ll have to finish it soon.” Alexander beamed at him, catching him off guard. John believed if he were in his shoes he would have been utterly embarrassed, yet Hamilton did not seem to have any shame.

“And I will be desperately awaiting it.” John returned his smile then brought his hand up to wipe it away. He had to remind himself he was to rectify this very form of misconduct but for the moment he was exhausted.

He walked shortly to his bed and let his body fall against the mattress. His face mashed into the sheets and he took a deep breath, enjoying the softness of the bedding. John rolled over to his side to face Alexander and let out a yawn.

Slowly Hamilton would take off his glasses, setting them on his desk. He stood up carefully from his chair as Laurens looked on with concern. Never putting any weight on his foot, removed John’s borrowed pillow and quilt. He tossed the pillow and it landed in front of John’s head as John moved to slide it under his head he felt the heavy quilt being slipped on him. Alexander tucked him in zealously then fell back on his own bed.

“I thought you would be ready to write all night by my side.” Alexander spoke softly, removing his own short layers of clothing.

“You provide me with the most comfortable pleasure in Jersey—“ He patted the bed. “—And expect me to sit at a wooden chair all night?”

“Yes, there you would have the pleasure to read my works.” Hamilton pierced his lips and laid on his side facing John. The five or so feet between the beds separated their faces.

“There will always be tomorrow.” John answered him and a peaceful quietness would form between them.

Despite being close to him, he felt as if a barrier was between them. If they were assigned to sleep with twelve other men such as Laurens had done so last night within a tent, they would have shared a spot on the floor with their blankets. Shared their body heat with each other, just as Laurens had done with a different soldier last night. Their status had granted them the fireplace, the beds, heavy quilts, all so they sleep in privacy. Yet he missed the touch of another person.

He lifted his head as if to express his idea to Alexander but stopped himself short. He was ashamed at himself to realize it was Alexander’s touch he missed. Back when Alexander had held him on top of his steed. Their bodies and minds together. Being held tightly, securely, it had been the warmest John had felt since his last bath.

“Goodnight John.” John slowly blinked his eyes open, now viewing the back of Alex. He wasn't sure when he began to drift off.

“Goodnight Alex.”


	3. Pits of Passion

That very night a snowstorm would overtake the encampment. The wind slammed into the side of their cabin and would continue to long after the sun had risen. John and Alex had spent the day snowed in, only leaving to use the bathroom and eat. Laurens overlooked Alexander’s writings, correcting what few mistakes Alexander made and encouraging him to keep his thoughts brief. He had even found time to write to his father just as Washington had requested. The stacks of finished letters sat on his desk, ready to be delivered to a message carrier when one of them would be ready to venture out into the snow.

For the latter of the evening John read on top of his bed. His mind had long ago lost his place in the words and resulted in him being lost in his own thoughts. He wouldn’t recall the name of the book in his hands as he stared at the pages.

In the fireplace the flame flickered, if John had to ignite it one more time, he was going to kick what remained of the ashes across the room. His feet and hands were utterly freezing. They laid underneath his heavy quilts, desperating clinging to each other to create any kind of warmth. But they still felt numb, and no matter how many times he moved them or covered them in more layers, they remained frigid.

Alexander sat at his desk. His noisy scribbling had occasionally fought against the roar of the outside. As John looked at him now, Alex’s hand with the gloves prominent on his fingers fluttered across his writings in a manner that told John was adding his finishing strokes on i’s and t’s. He wore as many layers as he could, even draping his bed quilt over his lap. When he finished he set his quill in his ink and met John’s gaze.

“Are you alright?”

“I’m freezing to death.” John replied and looked back to his book, only to shut it. He rubbed his hands against his feet and wondered briefly if he should put on his boots.

Alexander stood up, placed his finished writing on John’s desk. He moved carefully in the cabin, mostly likely not for his own sake but to ease John. Without a word he took off John’s gloves and held them out to him.

John stared at the gloves for a moment before his freezing fingers would be forced to take them, and his lips provided a thanks.

Hamilton acknowledged him then turned to grab fresh paper. John in turn reached for the oil lamp.

“I need a few more moments to write—“

Alexander was cut short as John dampened the flame, sending the cabin into darkness aside from the soft glow of the fireplace.

“What you need is sleep.” John answered him. He laid himself back in his bed, slipping on his gloves and blowing into his hands in an attempt for warmth. Curling himself as tightly as he could beneath the blankets, he would settle for being warm in his dreams.

“Should we share beds?” A soft question surprised Laurens.

Before John could find an answer, Alexander’s quilt was draped over John’s body. Not being able to refuse him now, Alexander lifted the blankets to slip himself under them with John. The cold body pressed against him, and John had to shift himself over to make room in the small bed for both of them. Alexander continued to surprise John as even with enough space for them, he pressed their bodies tightly together. They had laid like that before, in colder, certainty harsher conditions, yet John felt as if he was experiencing a new sensation.

His heart fluttered as Alexander laid his head closer to the knook of John’s shoulder. The man’s warm breath tickled his neck. Their blankets were shifted before a hand was placed on top of John’s chest. A long drawn out breath escaped his lips and John remained as still as he could. Slowly the hand on his chest moved upwards, resting on John’s overworked heart.

This was new. Alexander was holding on to him underneath the blankets. His legs laid against John’s almost daring to entangle themselves. And his hips—

The hand slowly moved downwards, gently caressing John’s lower stomach as if it were directing the butterflies where to go. Reaching the top of John’s thighs, it changed direction and moved back upwards, stopping when the fingertips rested on one of John’s nipple.

John swallowed and shifted himself as he realized he had been frozen in place since the hand began exploring his chest. He moved his own hand around Alexander’s side, resting it comfortably on his waist.

The tip of Alexander’s finger circled John’s nipple, the thick undershirt separating the contact, but not the feeling. He shuddered at the touch. Alexander breathed sharply, making John worry but he couldn’t find himself to say any words. The feeling he had felt on top of the horse had returned, stronger than ever. When the hand finished its dance, it returned over John’s heartbeat.

Feeling lightheaded, John reached his free hand up to lay on top of Alexander’s. Their fingers brushed against each other cold and surprised, before they laid together. Alexander’s thumb rubbed against John’s hand in small circles.

Alex’s head was close to John’s now. His eyes focused on Alexander’s lips and slowly he saw them coming closer to his own.

“Alex— What are you doing?“ John moved back from him, keeping their fingers interlocked tightly. Alex looked back at him with wide eyes.

The fear in his eyes caused John to move closer back to him for comfort. He made it clear he had no other intentions before laying his head against Alexander’s shoulder. “I think we need to talk.” John wanted to do anything he could to reassure him.

“Yes?” Alexander choked out.

Warm and secure, John listened to Alex’s heartbeat before speaking again. “We cannot allow these intimacies.”

“Yes we’ll have to be careful in the public but—“

“No, Alexander. If rumors are to spread about us it will ruin us. You understand you have to uphold your image? After this war, you’re going to be writing for Congress.”

“This is why you’ve been so cold to me? I’m not an idiot, John. I know what happens to men who partake—“

John inhaled sharply and moved his head back making Alexander cut himself off. Alex dropped his hold on John and turned away from him shakingly. _Men who partake in sodomy._ While it had been in the back of his mind, it was shocking to hear the words come out of Alexander’s mouth with his intentions clear.

Before John could process his thoughts Alexander moved to leave.

John reached out and stopped him. “Please stay.”

Alexander turned back to him slowly, and John interlocked hands with him.

“I’m having trouble… please, do you feel the same?” Alex asked.

John didn’t reply, instead squeezing his hand as guilt encased him. Alexander’s illuminating eyes searched him with concern and slowly John found himself gazing at the man’s chest, unable to meet his eyes which was out of the ordinary for the two of them.

John slowly brought their hands up to rest by their heads so he could look at them. Hamilton squeezed his hand. How he could feel at ease around the man yet at the same time nervous as a school boy perplexed him to the Earth’s end.

“A... proposition?” John gathered the courage to say.

“Yes?”

“For the next ten minutes we have a judgeless period. Whatever either of us do will be immediately forgiven, perhaps forgotten.”

John could see Alexander’s mind working over the many possibilities. They both knew they had danced around the subject of their relationship. They had other subjects to discuss, other actions to act on, but both were afraid. With this brief period, all could be explored, all could be answered.

“And no consequences after further time...?”

“Of course not.” John assured him. “This will remain between us.”

“Discussions?”

“Of what happened? Possibly if we’re both willing.”

“Okay.” Hamilton sat up, rather nervously as John had never seen him before.

“Okay?”

“I agree.”

“Shall we start now?” John asked and Alex nodded to him, keeping their intense eyesight.

“Ask me anything John.” He took a deep breath and smiled at John. Giving his hand one last squeeze.

John nodded back, his own tongue nervous. He would think of what he wanted to say and open his mouth... before closing it again.

“I promise my dear Laurens, completely judgeless.” The two would chuckle and Alex would nod reassuringly at him. John smiled back greatly appreciating the gesture.

“How... do you feel of men who partake in sodomy?”

Alex remained silent for a moment and John watched him close, afraid he had crossed the line with the very first question.

“In complete honesty,” Hamilton slowly answered. “I don’t have a strong opinion towards it as I should. If both parties are willing, I don’t see the downsides and I think the harmful way our society looks down upon it is... antediluvian.”

“I agree.” John assured him and he could see some relief show into Alex’s face. “My father had this obsession in which he feared I would fall victim to it.” As he spoke John moved to place his own hands over his chest, feeling his rapid heartbeat. “I don’t understand why it is a sin.”

“Did you partake in it?”

“No, never.” John tilted his head, the question worrisome. “Do I come across as one to do so?”

“Of course not, to any stranger. I only questioned so for a moment because of our close affections for one another.”

“We do nothing more than what the best of two women would do for each other.” John blinked at the absurd thought. The notion of him being involved should have outright sickened him.

“Yes, but nothing of the best of men.” Hamilton shifted himself forward, seemingly to balance the unrest in his legs. “What do you consider our affections?”

“Affections, between best of companions, nothing more….” He wanted to leave it at that but realized Alex wanted— needed more. “We have to be careful about who we bare these affections in front of, although we do not partake in sodomy, it wouldn’t seem far fetched for others to claim we do.”

“And that would be the end of us.”

“The end of everything.” John agreed.

“Would you ever partake in it?”

“Of course not.” John replied fast and narrowed his eyes at Hamilton. Alex would nod solemnly.

“Why not?”

“It’s pointless to me. The risks far outweigh the rewards.”

“And how would you know the rewards?” Hamilton asked.

Their conversation ceased as John didn’t know how to answer him. He dreaded to ask if he knew the rewards, not wanting his suspicions confirmed. Everything told him he would be disgusted with Hamilton if it was discovered he had relations with men, but thinking of it now, he could not find a reason to be disgusted with him. He knew other men would have fled the cabin at once they understood Alexander’s intentions. But John couldn’t leave Alexander in a state like this, they had to resolve their misunderstanding.

“Do you think of me in this way often?” John broke the silence for a brief moment.

Alexander’s eyes darted around the room, in a way similar to when he was searching for the right words to say when writing. John knew his answer before he spoke.

“Sometimes.” He muttered, his voice so light.

John lowered his head to his chest, looking at the lump of their hands intertwined under the quilts.

“You’re like my wife.” Alexander suddenly said, with his confidence back.

John’s brow would naturally furrow as he carefully thought over his friend’s statement. Surely he meant that they two were close as two friends could be without being married. But when comparing them to a married couple, why did Alexander decide John was the wife? Alex was looking at him for an answer now and John would give him a small smile, showing he wasn’t entirely offended by what was just shared. He couldn't stay quiet forever, he needed to answer him.

“...Don’t say anything that will have me turn you in.” John teased him back, unsure of what else to do another than to make light of Alexander’s absurdity.

As Alexander’s eyes dimmed John immediately brought his hand up to hold onto his arm. At once realizing he completely misread the situation. Hamilton intended to start a meaningful conversation and John severally underlined him.

“I joke.” He bit his lip.

“I know.” Alex answered him.

“I would never imagine doing so.” John continued to try to assure him, shifting closer in the bed.

“Never?” Alexander sounded unconvinced. “You just-“

“I just conceived the worst, most unhumorous joke of my lifetime.” John thought ahead of him. “I apologize.”

“No need.”

John gathered his thoughts for a moment before speaking again. “I guess I’d like to remind you I’m not your wife, nor never will be. I am a man.”

“Indeed. I meant you care for me in such a way, if you were the opposite sex I would have— bedded you ten times over.”

A soft exhale would escape John’s lips, him holding back a laugh. It was no secret Alexander caught the attention of many women and adored it. “I’m honored.”

“What have you of me?”

“I like you the way you are.” John admitted. “If I or you were a woman, we would have never met.”

“If I were a woman, what would you do to me at this moment?”

Silence once again fell between the two men. John of course knew the answer that would please him, but it was difficult to bring himself to lie to Alexander. As ashamed as he felt he delivered him the truth.

“Nothing… apart from our current actions.”

“Really? You have no such desires?”

“I’ve already made that mistake to lie with a woman. I do not feel like ever repeating it.”

“And can I ask, why did you feel the need to have these ten minutes?”

“The same reason you agreed to it.” John poked at Alexander then answered him sincerely. “...I want you to know you can tell me anything despite our society.”

“Only in these few minutes?”

“No. Just especially so in these minutes.”

Alexander leaned forward and embraced John, the action throwing John off guard. His first instinct was to push him away, but in such a fragile moment John could not bear himself to do so. Alex wrapped his arms around him and John reluctantly greeted him in the same manner.

“And can I ask now, Alexander, why do you picture me as your wife?”

“Does it disgust you that much?”

“It doesn’t disgust me. It baffles me.”

Hamilton seemed to hold onto John tighter. “...It feels right. The two of us.”

“But you’re going to get a real wife eventually?”

“Yes.”

“And won’t you love her?”

“I guess I’ll have to see.”

Alexander broke away from the tight hug but he still held on. John was searching his face, trying to form another question he needed the answer from.

“You haven’t told me if you think about me in the same manner.” Alexander whispered.

John looked into his eyes, ashamed. Surely Alexander already knew the answer. Before John could find words to say, Alexander spoke again.

“Can we ask more than questions?”

Alexander’s voice was so meek. Usually on the same wavelength, it irritated John that it took him a moment to understand what Hamilton was asking.

After some hesitation John agreed. “Ask.”

Alexander leaned forward, and suddenly it became crystal clear to John his intentions. His eyes were settled on John’s lips and John watched him, trying to understand what the warm feeling in his chest meant. Alexander touched foreheads with him, and John had to close his eyes just to compose himself and his thoughts. He moved his gloved hand up to cup Alex’s chin, thumbing his cheek. He took a deep breath before Alexander leaned forward and planted a soft kiss on the side of his cheek. Just as sudden as had all happened, they were apart again. A few inches, but nevertheless not together. Laurens opened his eyes.

They stared for another moment.

“You’re sure you won’t judge me after?” Hamilton asked, voice unsure and eyes looking more lost and desperate than John ever wanted to see them again.

“...You have my word.”

Hamilton swallowed, meeting John’s eyes. He inched forward again. An unknown stillness rested in John and he brought his hand up to the back of Alexander’s head and kissed him.

The suddenness of it caught both men off guard and Alex closed his eyes as he held onto the kiss. John, the first to initiate was also the first to part their lips and slowly bring their foreheads back to touching.

“Why’d you do that?” Alexander posed the question, a smile beckoning on his lips.

John stared at the smile. “I don’t know.”

Alex interlocked fingers with John again, reassuring him.

“Is that something you want to do outside of these damned minutes?”

“I...” John’s voice trailed off as he couldn’t find the words to say.

Alexander moved to find his lips. John found Alexander’s free hand cupping his mouth, moving to make himself taller to deepen the kiss. They both pushed back with each other, their lips so used to working with each other, but never before in this way.

John finally pulled away. A troubled look on his face and a heavy weight on his heart. Alex brushed the side of his face, then brought their hands that were still clasped together up to his mouth and carefully placed a kiss on the back of John’s hand. Alexander leaned forward to kiss his lips again, however, John looked away, not believing what he had just done.

“John?” He asked frozen in his tracks.

Hamilton in turn placed a gentle kiss on the side of John’s neck before backing away and resting himself in the bed. Their hands dropped and John missed the feeling of them.

“Did you hate that?”

“No.” John said softly and met Hamilton’s gaze. Alexander gave him a moment to elaborate his thoughts. “You know we can’t do that.”

“Why not? We just did.”

John sighed as Alexander looked at him sadly. His emotions seemed to swirl within him. His head light and moving so fast he couldn’t understand.

“You say it’s okay for men if both parties are willing. But not when it comes to yourself?”

“Alexander, I don’t want to hide this ugly secret. It’s better for both of us if we just continue on as we were.” John blinked. For a moment he was afraid he felt tears forming in his eyes.

He looked back at Alex to see him looking downwards.

“Can I still lay with you?” Alexander swallowed.

John slowly nodded and turned on his back, welcoming Alexander with open arms. Alex met them, resting his head on the man’s chest and looking up at John’s eyes.

“Why are we doing this?” John asked out loud.

“If this is truly a judgeless period, why not try everything?”

Hamilton surprised him with slipping a hand under his buttoned shirt, feeling his hand against his bare stomach. The all too warm feeling was back stronger than ever in John’s chest. His thoughts raced. Perhaps he had given Alexander too much freedom too quickly.

“Would you take off your undershirt?” Alexander whispered.

John considered it before shaking his head. “We can’t do that.”

Alex continued to move his hand upwards, until it again rested on top of Lauren’s overworked heart.

“Would you take off mine?” Alex beckoned and this time John couldn’t find a reason why he couldn’t. His head was beginning to feel light. Alexander moved and undid the buttons while Laurens stripped the fabric off of Alex, leaving his chest bare against John’s thin undershirt. Alexander pulled the quilts back on top of himself and laid on top of John. Hamilton’s hands were back underneath his shirt, the other one playing with his hair. John felt his body begin to respond to all of Alexander’s touches.

John seemed to regret his judgement and firmly stated: “We should stop this.”

At John’s tone Hamilton stopped moving and laid somberly. Pitying him John lowered his nose into his hair. It felt so good to be so close to him.

“Our time is up then?”

John didn’t have an answer for him. After all that had happened he couldn’t remember how many minutes they had agreed on in the first place.

“You didn’t keep track of it did you?” Alexander jested and caused John to let out a laugh.

“How could I?”

Alexander smiled wider and brought his hand up to brush hair out of John’s face. It suddenly occurred to him what a sight it was to take in this beautiful man that was half dressed laid on top of John.

The fear in the back of his mind came to reality as Alexander shifted his leg on top of John’s lap and John felt himself against Hamilton’s thigh. He jerked away in a manner to try to conceal himself before the man could notice. Alexander seemed to beam at him which both haunted John and made him blush widely. He brushed John’s stomach with his hand, making John jump and he caught the hand before it could move down any further. “Don’t.”

Alex blinked at him, a smugness weaved into his features that John knew all too well. “Why?” He asked with concern.

John didn’t have an answer for him as he stared the man down. Hamilton backed off of John and reached for his tossed aside undershirt. He pulled it back onto himself, not bothering to button it up. Then rested a hand on John’s thigh. He leaned himself over John and slowly lowered himself down like he was going to kiss him again but he stopped himself. A smirk remained on Alexander’s lips as he leaned down to John’s side.

“John, can you do me a favor and just stop thinking?” Alexander whispered into his ear.

John sat frozen, yet he was the warmest he had ever felt. “Alexander.” He whined, unable to bring himself to do anything.

Alex kissed his cheek and John needed him to kiss his lips. He brought his hand up to once again grab the back of Alexander’s head and made his lips meet his. They kissed and Alex’s hand gently ran up John’s thigh. John gasped in surprise as Alexander laid his hand over John’s erection. His dick barely being able to contain itself in his trousers.

Alexander hushed him, looking down to his hands now, he ran his hand over the outline of John’s cock through the trousers. John took the hand and with his other put both his and Alexander’s hand into his pants. He placed Alexander’s hand on his dick and they locked eyes for a moment. For a second John feared he made a fatal move. Proving him wrong, Alexander wrapped his hand around him and with John’s hand on top of his, the two began to stroke up and down.

John met Alexander’s lips again and they kissed. In the span of ten minutes John had gone from never thinking of kissing him to needing his breath on his. John’s kisses grew sloppier and he let out a grunt as Alexander teased his cock. The man undoubtedly knew what to from his own experience. His fingers formed a tight hole for John.

Hamilton increased his pace and bit at John’s lip. As John closed his eyes Hamilton’s mouth worked its way from his lips to his cheekbones. He placed careful gentle kisses in a line before he reached John’s neck. There he bit at John’s flesh, sucking on his neck all while he continued to stroke John. The sensations all overwhelmed him as no matter how hard he breathed John struggled for air.

With a shudder John came into his hand. Alexander brought his mess up to the two of them, seeming to parade it until he wiped it onto his own trousers. He then put the same hand he used on John, down his own pants and John stared in awe as the man touched himself.

“Can I help?” He sat up and moved the blankets away from them, not needing them at the moment. Alexander grinned at him, met his lips for a quick kiss then leaned back. John placed his hands at the man’s hips and Alexander slowly revealed his cock from his trousers. John kept his eyes on it, as he stumbled to remove the gloves. They were dropped off the side of the bed before John took Alexander in his bare hands. Alex set his own hands aside, letting John have full control.

John looked up at his eyes now, full of excitement. As his thoughts seemed to escape him, his emotions, for a change, were sure of themselves. He was relieved, ecstatic, and completely fond of Alexander. As John stroked Alex sighed in pleasure and a sudden urge overcame him.

Without so much of another thought he leaned down and took Alexander in his mouth. At first just a large portion of the tip but once he got a taste he pushed himself to take in as much as he could. Fighting himself from choking he reeled back for a moment, keeping his hand stroking, then decided to focus on Alexander’s head. With his eyes closed he took him in his mouth again and bobbed up and down until he heard a moan from Alexander. Looking up to him now with his mouth still on him, John was ecstatic to see his expressions. Alexander had his head against the bed frame, looking to the sky like he needed to send a prayer. John continued to lick, bob, and stroked watching the man melt in front of him.

“John… God…” He muttered before his eyes would flutter open to John’s. When they met eyes he smiled gratefully and moved to run a hand through John’s hair.

John continued his work until the hand pulled sharply at his hair.

“I’m about—“ Alexander cut himself off as he came in the air. John, memorized, took care of Alexander as he would himself in the moment with his hands. He cleaned up his mess and with no better idea he rubbed it into the other side of Alexander’s trousers.

Their eyes met again, and John couldn’t fight the warmness in his heart as he reunited himself to lay alongside him, pulling the heavy quilts to cover both of them. He drew the man’s hand from himself and reunited it within his own and John watched as Alexander’s breathing returned to a normal rate. He placed a soft kiss on Alexander’s cheekbone.

Breathing in his Alexander for another moment before he rested his head against his chest. Slowly John composed himself and found his thoughts coming back to him. Replaying the events that just occured in his mind, he remained speechless. Alexander seemed to squeeze John’s hand and John squeezed back.

“Perhaps we can ruin your trousers a different night?”

John swallowed as his brain unwrapped the package Alexander had just delivered to him.

“We…” Laurens blinked. “We should not continue this.”

“My dear John, no one will find out while we are here.”

He knew they were secluded, but two men acting as this was disgusting. Outright disturbing. If John had any dignity at all he would walk out the cabin right now and find somewhere else to stay.

Hamilton’s arms found their way around John, hugging him tightly. The man’s head rested against his shoulder. They felt right together.

“Alexander… what possesses you?”

“You, my dear Laurens.”

John grabbed at one of Alexander’s arms and interlocked his fingers in his, once again their hands clasped tightly to one another. At his words, whispered gently into his ear, so sure of their meaning, John’s doubt began to melt away. He had to kiss Alexander again, to which Alex returned his passion wholeheartedly.

“Our judgeless period is over.” Alexander announced when their lips departed and a soft laugh escaped John’s lips. “But how about another proposition?” With excitement a kiss was placed at John’s cheek.

“Yes?”

“We continued this period.”

“Until?”

“Indefinitely.”

“Indefinitely?” John considered.

“Of course, in our original agreement every action would immediately be forgiven, however I can be persuaded to strike—“

“Alright, Alexander.” John smirked. “I say we forget about propositions.”

“Just continue on?”

“Just continue on.” John turned to look at him now before Alexander leaned forward to connect their foreheads.

“It’s agreed then.” Hamilton kissed him.

John returned the kiss, running his hands over Alexander’s body just as Alexander had done to him. He slipped his hands underneath Alexander’s shirt, caressing the skin as much as he liked.

When they grew drowsy Alexander managed to turn John over. Facing the side of the cabin, Alexander's wrapped himself around John and comfortably laid his nose on John’s shoulder. Their bodies pressed tight against one another. In Alexander’s arms John was warm and a peaceful slumber overtook him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all for much for your comments and kudos i’m blown away! i felt the first chapter was the best out of the three so hopefully these weren’t that bad but thank you so so so much for reading <333


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